Tuesday, February 24, 2009

A Personal Rant... Wild World... You Tube

["Cat Stevens - Wild world 1971"; as submitted to You Tube by fritz51141 on 5/10/08; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkI9wCk8jvw]

I've received emails regarding some of my recent blog postings - some of which contain very kind words - and some no...

I respect all opinions, enjoy having my ego stroked here and there - and also, where appropriate, I believe - sometimes respond with the assertive (after a couple of deep breaths) anger that is provoked...

I'd like to thank the folks that have affirmed my "work" (volunteer activism that actually costs me money...) here.

I'd also like to address some of the "whacks up aside the head" (reminiscent of a book title) I have received...

I've been told, by a guy who has been known to send us classist and racist emails (in my opinion) - that I shouldn't send political propaganda (i.e., a note about the Bush Truth commission) to members of a certain local commission that allegedly stands for freedom of speech [classism and racism are "okay" but political information (which one can delete with a click) is "not?"]

I've been told (I've heard this before) - that we need to "focus on our own back yard" (exclusively) - that the people (all of us nobodies?) have no impact [I disagree with this] on national decisions and/or events.

I've been told (I've heard this before too) - that I need to do something about my anger...

Which is, my dear friends and "frenimies" (a word borrowed from my step-daughter) exactly what I am doing...

Yes, I could sit and mope and simmer - and I do my share of that.

Yes, I could give up on life altogether - plenty of folks do.

Yes, I could be a sweet quiet "good little girl" of "sugar and spice" - keep my "mouth shut" - and continue - sans any form of resistance - to eat bucket-loads of classist and sexist shi*...

But THAT is not who I am - nor whom I choose to be...

NOT ANYMORE!

I do a lot of thinking, perhaps too much sometimes, I will grant you that.

But here and now I WILL tell you "some" of the reasons for my anger - which I am really (as I believe a therapist would tell you) currently handling in a much healthier and productive manner than I have in the past:

1. I grew up in a home where if a woman dared to express an opinion she got her head wailed into the wall, fireplace mantle, etc.

2. I grew up in a home where girls and women were viewed exclusively as "sex objects" (to be used and exploited) and "servants" (shut up and obey...)

3. I grew up in a home where battering, child neglect and child abuse were the norm, rather than the exception...

4. I grew up in a town that made us suffer all the more... having been branded a "lowlife" and "blacksheep" by function of my birth.

5. Due to lack of attention, education, health services, etc. - I did what a lot of young girls in my situation (extreme rural poverty) do - as in --- I hooked up with an older guy (or he with me...) and started down the road of teen pregnancy after teen pregnancy; alcoholism (on both our parts); and, if I hadn't left, a more than likely addition (with me being the number one target this time) future of domestic violence....

6. I drank heavily for about 10 years - blaming myself for all of the things that happened in my childhood / my life... whilst (still a child in many ways myself) I tried to protect my own children (in some instances, failing) from the legacy I had inherited...

7. Only to find that predators come in many forms; most pretending, initially, to be one's "savior" and/or friend...

8. At around the age of 20 my half-sister, born much later than me, died of starvation and exposure... in the midst of a series of events that never should have been. STARVATION. The word kind of grabs you doesn't it????? She was 5-6 months old...

9. As a woman that suffered, already, from an attempt to self-medicate my pain and from (I would find this out later...) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - I spent a lot of years drinking (which is a vice, but not a crime) - and I found myself the victim of crimes - of people that INTENDED to commit crimes - over and over and over again...

Obscene phone calls, landlords that sexually harassed me, co-workers that sexually harassed me, date rapes, etc... all of which were topped off by a serious violent rape... where I was held hostage - assaulted - had my life threatened with a knife - and was lucky - oh yes - quite lucky indeed - to make it out alive.

10. Only to find out (along the course of life unfolding, including during my "recovery" process) that a number of child sexual predators (despite my having moved in an attempt to get away from such folks) had managed to access a number of my children (including one or more of my step-children), and a number of my children's friends (many of them right here in good old Kingston...) - as well.

11. Now, did I sit still for this? Let go of my anger? NO.

But what I often found was a system that further traumatizes and exploits the victims of crimes - INCLUDING child victims! In fact, in one case a KPD officer, despite ample evidence, refused to take a case entirely (this officer was later "let go" due to using racist language) --- and in another case, after borrowing and paying top dollar ($7,500 down the drain...) to get what I thought was good representation for a grandchild that had been abused --- the "good" lawyer didn't even book us into the right court!(we should have been in criminal court not in family court!) OR show up (he sent an assistant instead) to represent us!

12. I have worked... Almost 10 years at one place that chose to "let me go" just two weeks prior to when (You think this was coincidence?) I would have been able to collect a pension...

13. I have gone through college - with panic attacks (often severe) doing their best to dissuade me along the way... feeling like a freak from another planet when comparing myself to my often well-to-do classmates...

14. I lost one post-degree job because I stood up for what was right in a situation where myself, other staff members and clients [MICA] were being abused... [I (simply attempting to do my job) was threatened with a knife at this residence... "I" was fired! They took the perp out for ice cream...]

15. I lost another post-degree job (where I had previously received excellent reviews and a considerable promotion) because I challenged the CEO about not keeping employees within the boundaries that had been set by our government grant... [Better keep your mouth shut, eh?

16. I have tried [and continue to try] to make a profit off my own business enterprises - only to find that the associated costs (insurance; bonds; other dues and fees; advertising; etc.) are extremely prohibitive...

17. I can HONESTLY say that I have NEVER set out to exploit, bring harm to, or use another person.

18. I can HONESTLY say that I HAVE BEEN EXPLOITED (the black marketing of my books representing the latest in this long saga of life) - repeatedly HARMED (emotionally and physically) - and USED - over and over and over again - by others that do NOT have legitimate good intent.

19. I am aware of many members of my family that are traveling down the same road I have - because they were taught wrong... AND because they are (is this an illness in 2009?) KIND...

20. And I am PRETTY DARN SICK OF IT!

So, like it or not, this is what I do. This is what (between bouts of depression, hypervigilence and insomnia) I am capable OF doing!

And it is certainly better - I would say - than doing NOTHING AT ALL.

It has been said (something to this affect; not an exact quote) --- that "If you stand for anything, you will most likely find yourself standing alone."

Which, for the most part, appears to be true.

Yet, if we don't stand for anything... if everyone were to "let go of their anger" and simply "forgive and forget"... this world would be run entirely (it appears to have come quite close already!) by sociopaths.

When I was in college I wrote a poem titled, "The Wonder of Wings."

And I'm still trying (against the odds) to make this life of mine stand for something" - do "something" worth while - "learn how to fly" - before I (as we all will do, eventually...) kiss the world (which I'm not overly fond of, 'tis true) goodbye.

BTW, I was put in a special class as a child... but I graduated from UCCC and SUNY at New Paltz with honors / summa cum laude...

So it might appear as if folks had me labeled wrong (how many young lives are stunted in this manner) from the beginning.

Ignorance is not stupidity.

Ignorance (which one can break through!) is a crafted and well-designed CRIME.

Peace, love, equality and humane justice,

NS

3 comments:

N.S. said...

BTW, the song was one my former husband used to dedicate to me...

And he was (at least in that instance) right.

Anonymous said...

you never fail to amaze and hypnotize and I cannot imagine anyone saying negative crap about you unless they are so overly burdened they don't realize that they are talking about themselves--and I just started to read your blog. PW

N.S. said...

Thank you PW.

I want to assure you - and other readers - that this is not a plea for sympathy - it is simply about facts.

And these types of facts (to varying degrees; each having their own specifics attached) are often true (when one is allowed to see beneath the image that we, often for safety's sake, portray) for others - particularly (don't buy into the denials of this, which simply represent more propaganda) those amongst the lower socio-economic groups.

It is what it is.

I hope it will get better.

Period.